Don't worry I have not turned my blog into an online diary over the last 20 something days. However, this post will feel and look a little bit like a diary entry and for that I am little bit sorry about.
I have been pretty low key recently, and when I say low key, I mean I pretty much shut myself away from the world.
I've suffered and battled with a little demon illness for the past 5 years called depression and it nearly took my life when I was just 16 years old. This illness does not mean for one moment that I mope around all day feeling sorry for myself and wishing that my very existence would disappear. Not at all and many people mistake the illness with the stereotypical image that a lot of people associate with depression, especially with young people, but there is a lot more to it than just feeling low, it drains every part of you body and mind and leaves you feeling almost emotion and lifeless, the smallest tasks like getting up in the morning become difficult and being sociable just isn't a priority anymore, the worst part is I can't control it, its the most unpredictable illness I can think of apart from the obvious and that's what makes it the hardest.
I read an article in GLAMOUR magazine, well, it was more of interview with Frankie Sandford from The Saturdays and I could really relate to her, you do feel like asking for help is a burden on everybody else and you do feel bad for feeling low because there are so many people in the world worse of than you, you just feel selfish which makes you feel even worse!
Fashion has always been an escape for me when I feel down, not just 'Shopping' sometimes its the more simple things like just sitting down with a cup of tea and flicking through the pages of VOGUE and even watching documentaries on designers, it's always been my escape route and a way of just blocking everything out of my mind. Since I started college I have never felt so content and was beginning to feel like all these years of being quite an unstable and mixed up girl may be about to become a distant memory, until I was stupid enough a couple of months back to stop taking my medication and since then my whole life and everything I enjoy just crumbled around me and looked as grey and drab as I feel/felt.
Everyone has their own ways of dealing with problems, I try to do it all on my own and just fail epicly! Which is how I related to Frankie I think, I'm not one for looking up at celebrities because I find them to be overrated, they're just slightly better off, normal people just like the rest of us! But I really understood where she was coming from because we both tried battling everything on our own and didn't want the help or attention you naturally receive when you share something with people, plus being heavily in denial about yourself and what's actually wrong is a massive issue we again both share.
I'm fortunate enough to have an amazing network of people around me which have helped me get step by step closer toward becoming more stable again... The biggest hurdle was definitely explaining my situation to college though, I was terrified, I couldn't get the idea of them kicking me off the course out of my mind so just avoided asking for help for weeks and weeks when secretly, inside I was crying so hard for help but didn't want to disappoint anyone or look like I was wasting every body's time. This is something I will always say to anyone who is suffering from depression or is feeling like they my be, never bottle it up, never try and deal with it on your own. People DO understand and they DO want to help! Yes, being back on my anti-depressants makes a massive difference but they wont work on their own.
I had a meeting at college today and it was so helpful, I was exhausted afterwards and just wanted to go back to bed which is a massive battle I am having at the moment, but I jumped right onto here and got my work back out from under the bed. It's going to be a really tough and demanding few weeks now, but that's the whole point of not giving up and giving in to such a demon as depression, it's about facing the challenges in front of us and coming out a stronger person. Yes, I had a bad day yesterday and probably will again in a day or so, but so what, it's one day! We can do this and I will always be grateful to college and everyone else around me for being here for me when I was ready to give up. I never realised how lucky I was, I feel like a cat with 9 lives more than ever!
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